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Post by harrisonashbay on Jan 19, 2016 19:40:16 GMT -5
So this is something a little different. I think everyone should have some basic understandings of tools and how they're used. So I got collection of helpful tips.
Now it's important to know no matter how dangerous something is the tool rental guy will let you take it so long as you have a drivers license and a credit card. Good thing is really dangerous stuff come with nicknames to tip you off like chop saw, sawzall and the French Revolution.
Now hammers are literally a pain after hearing the words, "hold this," I have had my left hand struck mostly by my messed up ring finger and this odd groove about the width of the head of finishing hammer.
Gorilla Glue is very useful for bonding stuff to gather you don't to ever come apart in your lifetime. A pry bar is a tool used to remove a tube of Gorilla Glue from your end table after stacked heavy stuff on it that the tube spring a leak(my dad is no longer allowed to use Gorilla Glue without supervision). A Craftsman 1/2 x 16 inch screwdriver is a pry bar with a machined screwdriver tip.
Now a mechanics knife has been found to work particularly well at opening boxes with contents such as bottled liquids, rubber seals and plastic parts. As the name of a hose cutter would suggest it's mainly used for cutting hoses too short.
Theoretically a paint scraper would be useful for spreading condiments on sandwiches and burgers. It's main use is scraping paint you didn't need to scrape before you started and testing how many cuss words come to mind while painting. English to Spanish dictionary keeps you from needed to repaint your sign. Don't be like Coors saying, "turn it loose," in English and, "suffer from diarrhea," in Spanish.
A drill press machine that teaches the importance of clamping. It will without any warning suddenly snatch a piece of wood or metal out of your hand swing it around and smack you in the gut and launches your Wild Cherry Pepsi onto what you just finished painting. Your knowledge of cuss words tested again.
A hacksaw will transform human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future outcome looks. Now aviation metal snips oh damn read the description of a hacksaw.
Air compressor takes energy from the wind spinning turbines 200 miles away transforms it into electricity and transforms that into the air power. Compressed air travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts and rounds off their heads at the speed of the sound of grinding metal.
An oxyacetylene touch is used almost entirely for lighting various objects on fire. Also handy for igniting grease. Fire extinguishers are a good warning tool for a potentially dangerous fire as they make a loud noise when the two guys holding them drop them and run to safety before you can say I got a second degree burn.
A 2-Ton engine hoist is a tool for testing the strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
A hydraulic floor jack is used for lowering a car to the ground trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. An 8ft douglas fir 2x4 has been used to lever a car up off the jack handle. Tweezers are for removing douglas fir splinters. The phone a tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has a jack you can use. Neighbors jack Gorilla Glued his work bench bring a pry bar.
A robe something like a long heavy coat people relax in at the end of the day. Instead of a zipper or buttons a robe has a long rope thing so can you dunk it in toilet and again test knowledge of cuss words.
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Post by harrisonashbay on Jan 19, 2016 19:43:11 GMT -5
Subject airline sense of humor Kulula Airline is based in Johannesburg South Africa.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. Not really my work I'm sharing this because you might find it funny.
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.
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Post by Layla Littlenymph on Jan 24, 2016 10:39:17 GMT -5
I can relate to your first entry.
My dad would often lament over the fact that nothing ever seemed to remain where he put it, most especially his power tools. Oddly enough, they always seemed to turn up when I would come by to visit, which eventually led him to the conclusion that I was "borrowing" them without asking. Stung by this accusation, I asked my mom if she had any ideas behind what might be the cause of this curious phenomenon. She lowered her voice and said, "I hide your father's tools when he is not looking and then move them where they can be found when I know you are coming to visit". "But why would you do that" I asked. To which she replied, "At least if you are here I know that he is working under adult supervision".
Your second offering reminds me of my flights on Ozark Airlines when I was stationed in that area during my stint in the Army. If I survived Ozark, I could probably survive Kulula as well. At least they provide a comedy show with every ticket.
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Post by Sayyadina on Apr 7, 2016 14:39:19 GMT -5
I liked both of these as well, but the first one in particular. Probably because I can relate to it so well. It's like a chapter from the life of Sayyadina.
~S
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Post by Selina Starkat on Apr 17, 2016 15:15:30 GMT -5
Quantas Airlines Repair Division NotesIn case you need a laugh:Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance personnel. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet perminute rate of descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Original Post
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Post by harrisonashbay on Jul 23, 2016 2:18:27 GMT -5
So trying to write a comedy for a while lots bad news depressing news lately making it hard to think funny. Oh when you need a boost where to turn it seems Top Gear BBC. That's better. Sincerely, Ash www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQh56geU0X8
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Post by harrisonashbay on Aug 11, 2016 20:46:50 GMT -5
So this story is I think good for everyone. It's a comedy I hope based somewhat loosely on video game characters robgoblins and skritt. Some of my favorite non player characters.
Garbage Gnomes by Ash
Let me start by asking a question here and now. Do you believe in garbage gnomes?
The older I get the more I believe in garbage gnomes. They come around sneaking in when you're not looking and the second you start looking the right direction they take the from of some junk laying around. You know they're the ones that are the really reason when you can't find something when it's something you know where it is you're looking where you put it but it's not there. They like to move things on people drive them crazy trying to find stuff. You know stuff you know where it is you know you didn't lose you know exactly where it should be.
They hard to spot even though they hide in plain sight. Like the pile on the coffee table no one is really sure what it all is, that remote control for a TV your parents had 15 years ago you're thinking why do they still have this or those old drinking fountains in the park. And main the really old drinking fountains made with the concrete outside with that odd metal bar no one is sure what it for. Someone jokes the bar is for hanging a top hat on and you're thinking maybe because you can't think of any other reason for it.
Sometimes of course they come find you when they're hunger or thirsty right? You reach for your drink knowing you didn't just drink it all and forget and find they drank out of your glass. These garbage gnomes I've found love the glazed donuts because they never around the next day. Someone brings them glazed donuts home 6pm reach for the donuts 9pm they're gone. Also maybe responsible for a lot candy disappearing in late October before Halloween forcing people to go back to the store and buy more. Then of course really annoying times you fill a bowl with cereal only to find they drank most of the milk. Oh man now I got put the cereal back and find something else. So you go to the breadbox to start making a sandwich and find a full milk in the box damn it.
The garbage gnomes really like to mess with people that wear glasses. They love sneaking in when those people have their glasses off and moving them to another spot.
Have you ever got those phantom vibrations from you phone go to check the text but there's no message? Oh yeah that's the garbage gnomes alright they messing with me big time on that trick. Along with changing the time on my clocks lately. I am positive I had enough time I say and I know I set the clock on the microwave to the correct time. Damn gnomes changed the time on me.
Well I been getting pretty fed up these garbage gnomes so I went about coming up with a plan to get back at them. I came up the perfect plan getting down every detail only one problem. I can't the paper I wrote it all down on and I think we all know who's to blame for that. What can I say? I guess just hang in there we're all in this one together.
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